A Trilogy of Sumrfs Movies !?!

What. The. F&%k.

I know every studio wants a big animated flick. Every studio also wants the next epic franchise. But what sane person thinks you can have both of those together in The Smurfs? Smurfs was the first show I outgrew. It is about as mindless as a cartoon can get. Yet somebody thinks that it wouldn't just make a hit animated movie, but it would also be the cornerstone of a Lord of the Rings-like franchise.

Oh God my brain just exploded.

This is the kind of idea they should be using for the next season of Entourage. It has to be a joke. Nobody, nobody, could think making a movie about those little commies is a good idea.

Spiderman 3 Trailer

In all it's glory.

Thomas Hayden Church looks perfect as Sandman. James Franco looks terrible as the new Green Goblin.

LIST: Top 10 Action Movies of All Time

You know the drill. These are my favorite action movies, not necessarily the best action movies.

A note on genres. What I consider to be an action movie may be a little different than your definition. To me an action movie is one wholly dependant on it's action scenes; if you can remove the action scenes from a movie and it remains watchable then it's not, in my mind, an action movie but a hybrid. Star Wars isn't an action movie it's sci-fi/action, just like Gladiator is drama/action and Lord of the Rings is fantasy/action.

10 - Pirates of the Carribean(2003): I thought this was a ridiculous idea for a movie. It was an entire film based on a mediocre ride at Disneyland for God's sake! But it ended up being a great movie. Johnny Depp spends 2+ hours absolutely chewing the scenery as Captain Jack Sparrow and sailing through some great light-hearted, family friendly action sequences. And Keira Knightly in a corset.

9 - Kill Bill(2003-4): I consider Quentin Tarantino's love letter to 70's pop cinema to be one single film. Mostly so I don't have to choose between which movie had the better fight scenes. The action scenes in this epic are great not only on their own merits but also when taken as the homages they are meant to be by Tarantino.

8 - Enter the Dragon (1973): And we come to our first action movie Icon: Bruce Lee. A revolutionary movie form both an artistic and business perspcetive Enter the Dragon was the first Kung-Fu movie produced by an American studio and most Americans first exposure to the genre. A great movie that is taken to the next level by it's charismatic star. It also features cameos by future stars Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung.

7 - Marked for Death (1990): Someone whose only exposure to Steven Seagal has come in the last 8-10 years may laugh at this selection, but back in the day he was the baddest of the badass. Chuck Norris had faded into television obscurity and Jean-Claude Van Damme was more of an exihibition martial artist, but Seagal seemed closer to the real deal than anyone else in film at the time. Marked for Death was in many ways a typical late 80's/early 90's action film: a little martial arts, a little gunplay, and an unambiguously evil nemesis, but somewhere along the way it managed to set itself apart from the herd and stand out as a great flick. Maybe it was Screwface, who was one of the great villains of all time, or the novelty of having a crime family that wasn't Italian, Chinese or Russian, but this is one fun movie.

6 - Commando (1985): Ahhhnoldd. Maybe the greatest action star of all time in a movie that has the greatest one-liner density of any known film. "Remember when I said I'd kill you last? I lied." and after impaling a man on a heating pipe "Why don't you let off some steam." It also features a young Alyssa Milano and Dan Hedaya sporting the worst Spanish accent this side of Al Pacino. It's cheesy, violent and oh so much fun.

5 - Terminator 2 - Judgement Day(1991): The movie that transformed Arnold from a star to an Icon. T2 featured some of the best effects in movie history alongside great action scenes from one of the masters: James Cameron. Loud, violent and innovative T2 is one of the all time greats.

4 - The Matrix(1999): I thought long and hard about whether this one qualified as an action movie. It has a better, more thought provoking story than any movie on the list, but if you take the action scenes out no one would every be able to sit through the whole story. Regarless of how it is classified The Matrix is still one of the most influential action movie of all time. The 'bullet time' effect, commonplace and pedestrian now, was revolutionary at the time and is still one of the best uses of the effect. A landmark film, even if the subsequent sequels were terrible.

3 - Drunken Master 2 (1994): This may be better known by it's American title - Legend of Drunken Master, but regardless of what its called this is the best martial arts movie of all time. Jackie Chan, another Icon, has done great work both before and since, but to me this will always be his Citizen Kane. The fight scenes have Chan's trademark wit and whimsy without being as goofy as, say Rush Hour. The fights are epic, sprawling and brutal, really words cannot properly convey how awesome this movie is.

2 - Die Hard 3(1995): I'm especially partial to this film since New York is my town and she gets a starring role in it. I have a deep, almost unnatural love for all of the Die Hard movies, but this one occupies a special place in my heart. Like all great movies this one is timeless, you can watch it at 15 or 50 and still have a great time.

1 - Raiders of the Lost Ark(1981): The apex of action cinema. There really is nothing bad that I could say about this movie. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg's ode to movie cliffhangers of yore is simply one of the best movies, of any genre, of all time.

Honorable Mention: Die Hard 1(1988) & 2 (1990), Indiana Jones 2(1984) & 3(1989), Cliffhanger (1993), Spider-Man 1(2002) & 2(2004), True Lies (1994), Predator (1987), Rush Hour 1(1998) & 2(2001), The Running Man (1987), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Speed ()

LIST: Top 10 Horror Movies of All Time

As with all lists these are my 10 favorite horror movies, not necessarily the 10 best of all time.

10 - Blair Witch Project (1999): Some people absolutely hated this movie, but I really liked it. It was slow at times but I think it did a masterful job of building tension. As a city boy the fear of being lost, really and truly lost, hits clost to home. A movie like this was the perfect storm of concept, execution and viral marketing and likely will never be duplicated.

9 - Evil Dead (1981): Confession time. I saw Army of Darkness before I saw Evil Dead 1 or 2, so I went in thinking this would be a low budget version of it's sequel. Oh boy was I wrong. Evil Dead has a wicked sense of humor, but it's still a straight-up brutal horror movie. It gleefully soaks the viewer in blood and gore without ever tipping over into brutality.

8 - Se7en (1997): I've had actual arguments about whether Se7ev is a horror movie or not. To me any movie designed to scare that stars a monster can be considered a horror movie. To some friends a horror movie needs some element of the fantastic or supernatural; anything that lacks that element is a 'thriller'. Whether you consider Se7ev to be horror or a thriller it's still a great, scary movie. David Fincher's dystopic view of city life felt a little forced to me, but I can see how powerful it would be to someone that hadn't grown up in a major city.

7 - The Ring (2002): Yes this is the American remake version; I never saw the original Japanese version of Ringu. The individual elements of this movie may not be great, but they combine to form a very entertaing whole. And I love a good urban legend tale.

6 - Dawn of the Dead (1978): There are several Romero movies that I could have put on this list, but Dawn has always been my personal favorite. The combination of over-the-top gore and social commentary just blends perfectly here; the message is just subtle enough to enjoy it as just a zombie flick or as an indictment of our consumer culture.

5 - The Thing (1982): Like most of the great horror movies of all time John Carpenter's The Thing plays off primal, basic fears; in this case isolation. Everything in this movie reinforces the fact that they are alone in every sense of the word. Like almost every other film on this list the effects stand the test of time; Carpenter knew his limitations and worked around them instead of against them.

4 - Suspiria (1977): I had heard of Dario Argento but until about three years ago I had never actually seen one of his films. One night Suspiria was showing on IFC and I was blown away. The story is fairly basic but the visual execution is like nothing else I've ever seen. Most horror films reside in the gray - brown - black end of the visual spectrum, whereas Suspiria looks like the crayon box exploded. The palette used gives the whole movie a fantastic, dream-like quality that is to this day still pretty unique in the world of horror movies.

3 - Alien (1979): Another classic concept honed to perfection by a great director. Alien earns a place on this list, as well as the upcoming Sci-Fi list, because it was one of the first 'realistic' space movies. Gone were the transporters, friendly aliens and robots of ambiguous sexuality; in was a gritty, claustrophobic space craft that resembled a 19th century steamer more than the Enterprise. Like many of the legendary horror classics Alien scares you more with what you don't see, letting the imagination run wild with speculation. The chestbuster scene is still one of the most memorable in the history of cinema.

2 - Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974): Little known fact: The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre wasn't very bloody. The teens were killed off in some brutal ways, but there was very little actual blood on-screen in the movie. This was, of course, the birth of the modern slasher flick, and it may be the best example of the sub-genre. This movie actually got better in my eyes after seeing the abysmal remake from a few years ago, which was paradoxically both gory as hell and completely neutered.

1 - The Exorcist (1973): The pinnacle of scary movies. There is almost no blood. The characters aren't confined to a small or unfamiliar place. No 'monster' is stalking the characters. The Exorcist manages to be the most terrifying movie ever comitted to film without any of the three major devices of a horror movie. The fear in this movie is more basic: a mother with a sick child whom modern science cannot even diagnose much less cure. The war between Fathers Damien & Merrin and The Demon is secondary to the fear one has when a loved one is ill and just won't get better.

Only three out of the top ten were produced after 1982, and only one in the 21st century.

Honorable Mention - Event Horizon (1997), Aliens (1988), Nightbreed (1990), Last House on the Left (1972), Silence of the Lambs (1992), Jaws (1976), Nightmare on Elm Street (1986), The Silent Hill games (not the movie!)

Remakes That Should Not Be: Revenge of the Nerds

Ugghhh. My brain just imploded, crawled out of my nose and is proceeding to douse itself in bleach. Why?

Because they're remaking Revenge of the Nerds.

According to The Movie Blog this was announced almost two years ago, but I obviously repressed that memory. This, like almost all remakes, is a bad idea. The original was a fun movie, for it's time, but the world just isn't the same as it was in 1984. Revenge was funny partly because it was set in a world that was about to be taken over by the nerds, whereas in 2006 the nerds already run things. Sure you can replace the Fortran jokes with World of Warcraft, but I doubt they would resonate with the audience. While this may not be the most egregious remake in the pipeline, it may be the most ill-advised.

Flops on a Plane

Wow. I didn't see this coming at all. According to Box Office Mojo, Snakes on a Plane made only $13.8M in it's opening weekend. That's a little more than half of what I thought it would make. Snakes had one of the best grassroots hype machines I've ever seen behind it and still it couldn't do as well as your typical J.Lo romantic comedy. I mean this was a fairly low budget film that, despite that handicap, still got promo time on all the major TV networks, and it didn't help one bit. It did no better than an anonymous action movie or thriller.

'Wanted' Casting News

Mark Millar has done a lot of great stuff. The Ultimates, The Authority, Wolverine, but to me his best work was Wanted with J.G. Jones. Because he wasn't playing in someone else's sandbox he was able to let loose and do all the evil perverse shit he always wanted to do. What we got was a book without heroes. Not the traditional comics 'anti-hero' who kills but is fundamentally good, but flat out evil villains made up the entire cast of characters. It was lewd bloody and oh so much fun.

Some time back Wanted was optioned as a movie. I yawned. Come on, there was no way this would actually hit the screen! I may have been wrong. According to The Hollywood Reporter (h/t Newsarama) a guy by the name of James McAvoy has been cast as Wesley Gibson, the star of the series. Now while this doesn't necessarily mean the movie will be any good, it likely means that we'll at least get to see it at some point.

Remakes That Should Not Be: Last House on the Left

I've seen a lot of horror movies over the years and while several have scared me, very, very few have disturbed me. The Last House on the Left was one of those films. Taken individually sex, gore and violence really don't bother me, but Last House..'s confluence of the three actually made me uncomfortable. It's a movie that I know is good, and is rightly considered a very influential film, but I just don't enjoy watching.

So it comes as no surprise that the creatively destitute Hollywood machine has decided to remake Last House on the Left. Honestly, it was probably inevitable. Both Saw & Saw 2 were fairly big hits and they were obviously influenced by Craven's early work. Rouge pictures could have taken the time and effort to find a the next young horror master and let him or her work their magic, but it's a lot easier to just remake Wes Craven's back catalog. Let me make sure Rogue Pictures, and the rest of the Hollywood studios understand what I'm saying.

STOP REMAKING CLASSIC HORROR MOVIES! THEY ARE ALMOST UNIVERSALLY TERRIBLE!

House of Wax, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Psycho, Amityville Horror, The Omen, When a Stranger Calls. All good or great originals. All excretable remakes, the majority of which were financial failures to boot. Dawn of the Dead was good, but it still wasn't as good as the original. Classic horror movies were mostly indie flicks with a minimum of studio interference. Modern remakes are neutered, butchered and focus-grouped to death. Please let the giants lie. Honor them, revere them, but for the love of God, don't try to make them 'better'.